Two or maybe three people, is all I have in my tiny circle of confidants now.

I never really had aspirational friends. The friends I had were either “fun” to be with or needed my help, or so I thought. Nobody inspired me or even thought about my wellbeing. I was just their temporary anchor till they found a better one, or just an insignificant existence to fill their void. No one that seemed like needing help, ever wanted to be helped. They were just chronic pessimists and hated when someone tried to bring joy in their world. How was I supposed to know.

That is why, early on in my life, I started detaching myself from anyone who got too close to me. I put up a shield of protection around me and tried holding it as long as possible. But, I was a hopeless optimist too. At every new possibility of friendship my shield would lower a little until it was there no more, just to be stabbed in the gut again, and again.

However, over the years I spent in this gruelling sun and heat, I learned a lesson. A lesson to keep my guards on. A warm colorful morning chat was now not enough to entice me. I started seeing beyond those charming words and magical promises. Striving to be a friend or yearning for one, was now alien to me. I started to truly see. In doing so, I saw my flaws too. I was helping without being asked, I was speaking without being spoken to and I was expecting a complex being like human to show simplicity.

Humans have thrived because of how complex we are. We have mastered the art of speaking, negotiations, flattery, storytelling, and writing. We know how to disconnect with our emotions and act a certain way, in other words, professionally. We are the only animals that need to literally earn our living. We have complicated lives and hence complicated relationships. It is easy to think that someone was born the way they are, but it cannot be anything but far from reality, We are complex beings and are changing constantly in response to everything happening around and within us.

To assume that I could find that perfection of a friend and that that person would also feel the same for me, was stupid. There is no explanation why two people get along, stay that way for a long time, or why two people hate each other, or why one person loves the other while getting nothing but hate in return. Why a person I follow online can be such an inspiration, but the minute they step into the real world can be the most disliked one ever.

Yes, I now accept the way we are and I also accept the fact that my diminishing circle is not a sad thing. It just means I probably don’t have the a bandwidth to accommodate so many people and their complexities. It just means I am choosing my battles carefully. And as someone famous said (google it), you cannot make everyone happy (and vice versa).

Before I end, I also like this famous saying, but I don’t know where to put it- “Sometimes you have to choose peace over being right.” So, if you are wrong, I will always close my eyes and whisper, “Peace out.”